Codependency

Codependency is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her.  A "codependent" is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people.  The dependent, or obviously needy party(s) may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount.  The "codependent" party exhibits behavior which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy party's condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship.

Codependency can also be a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress caused, for example, by a family member's alcoholism or other addiction, sexual or other abuse within the family, a family member's chronic illness, or forces external to the family, such as poverty.

Symptoms of codependence are controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance or physical illness related to stress.  Codependency is often accompanied by clinical depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over his or her inability to improve the situation.

Codependent people have a greater tendency to enter into relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable or needy.  The codependent tries to control a relationship without directly identifying and addressing his or her own needs and desires.  This invariably means that codependents set themselves up for continued unfulfillment.  Codependents always feel that they are acting in another person's best interest, making it difficult for them to see the controlling nature of their own behavior.

Many books have been written on the subject of codependence. Melody Beattie was one of the first to describe such behaviors.  She is the author of Codependent No More among many other volumes.  Melody Beattie defined codependency for the lay reader: "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior" (Beattie 1987, p. 36).

If you, your family, or someone you know are currently struggling with codependency, we are here to help.  Please contact us today for a free consultation and ask to speak with Kimberley Harris, Ray Robinson, Jennifer Reed, or Chris Berger.