Updated September 2026 | Reviewed by Chris Berger, M.A., LPC, NCC
An emotional affair is an intimate, emotional connection with someone who is not your partner, kept at a depth or secrecy that betrays your relationship's trust. The five signs: you keep the relationship secret, you're growing emotionally distant from your partner, you're increasingly frustrated with them, there's sexual chemistry, and you vent to the other person about your partner.
Key takeaways
Many people associate affairs with physical relationships, but the truth is that emotional affairs are just as damaging. An emotional affair occurs when you share an intimate, emotional connection with another person that is not your partner. Even though the relationship is not physical, an affair of the heart is still a betrayal of trust.
A platonic friendship and an emotional affair are not the same, but many people aren't sure how to tell the difference between the two. Here are the signs you should look for to determine if you are having an emotional affair.
Keeping any aspect of your relationship with the other person a secret could indicate that you are having an emotional affair. For example, your partner may know that you are friends with the other person, but you may not tell your partner how close you two are or how much time you spend together. You may also find yourself deleting text messages or emails from the person, so your partner doesn't know how often you communicate.
If you are keeping any aspect of the relationship secret, no matter how minor, this means you are consciously aware that what you are doing is not right.
An emotional affair is an emotional investment. You may start to distance yourself from your partner as you begin to invest more time, energy, and emotions into the other person. If you are losing interest in spending time with or talking to your partner, this means you are investing too much energy into your relationship with the other person.
People who are in emotional affairs often compare their partners to the other person in their lives. Because the relationship with the other person is new and exciting, you will most likely start to view them more favorably than your partner.
As a result, you may find yourself becoming more annoyed or frustrated with your partner at home. If you are snapping at your partner, rolling your eyes, or exhibiting other signs of obvious annoyance or frustration, you may be having an emotional affair.
There is no sexual relationship in an emotional affair, but there can be sexual chemistry. There shouldn't be a spark between the two of you if it's purely a platonic relationship. But, if it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you may flirt with one another or find yourself fantasizing about having a sexual relationship with the other person.
Think about the conversations you have had with the other person. Do you make negative comments about your partner? Do you discuss the problems you are facing in your relationship with your partner? If you are sharing these intimate details with the other person, this is a sign that you could be having an emotional affair.
Yes. Recovery takes honesty, clear boundaries, and time, but couples do come back from emotional affairs. The Gottman Institute describes how couples recover: ending or firmly re-bounding the outside relationship, acknowledging the hurt openly, and intentionally rebuilding emotional and physical connection at home.
Having an emotional affair can damage your relationship, but affair recovery counseling can help you and your partner move forward together. Couples therapy offers a structured place to rebuild trust, and our post on healing from an affair covers what that road can look like.
One important note: this guidance is for relationships that are strained, not frightening. If there is intimidation, fear, or controlling behavior in your relationship, couples counseling is not the recommended starting point while that is happening. The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 is available 24 hours a day, and individual support can help you plan your next steps safely.
An emotional affair is an intimate, emotional connection with someone other than your partner that crosses your relationship's boundaries, usually marked by secrecy, deep personal sharing, and emotional energy that used to go to your partner. It is the secrecy and betrayal of trust, not physical contact, that defines it.
Many couples experience it that way. Even without physical contact, an emotional affair involves secrecy and a betrayal of trust, and it diverts intimacy away from your relationship. Whether you call it cheating or not, the damage it causes is real and worth taking seriously.
A close friendship is open. Your partner knows about it, and nothing about it needs hiding. An emotional affair involves secrecy, romantic or sexual chemistry, and comparing the other person favorably to your partner. If you would be uncomfortable with your partner reading the messages, that is a warning sign.
Yes. Recovery usually requires ending or firmly re-bounding the outside relationship, honest conversations about how it happened, and intentional work to rebuild trust and connection. Many couples do this most successfully with professional support, such as affair recovery counseling or couples therapy.
Clinically reviewed by Chris Berger, M.A., LPC, NCC.
To see how the caring, compassionate counselors at Foundations can help you and your partner rebuild trust, book a free consultation or call 970.227.2770. Your first consultation is free, and most new clients have their first appointment within about 48 hours.