To bring romance back to your relationship, focus on small, steady habits rather than grand gestures: check in every day, forgive and move forward, celebrate each other's wins, protect time together, share affection outside the bedroom, say thank you, and laugh together. Research from The Gottman Institute suggests the small, everyday moments matter most.
Key takeaways
Most couples do not decide to stop being romantic. Work gets busy, kids arrive, bills and chores pile up, and the relationship quietly slides to the bottom of the list. Conversations shrink to logistics. Affection becomes a quick kiss on the way out the door. None of that means the love is gone. It usually means the small, daily ways you show love have been crowded out.
That is good news, because small habits are something you can change this week. The Gottman Institute puts it simply: it's the small things done often that make the biggest difference in relationships. The eight tips below are built around that idea.
We know work is busy, but taking a few minutes to send a text to say hello, or to make a brief "how is your day" call, lets your partner know you are thinking of them. Steer clear of the troubles with the kids or the water heater repair, and keep the check in warm and loving.
These small reach outs are what researchers call bids for connection. The Gottman Institute defines a bid as any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. In Dr. John Gottman's study of newlyweds, couples who were still married at the six year follow up turned toward each other's bids 86 percent of the time, while couples who divorced averaged only 33 percent. When your partner shares something small, put the phone down and respond.
The Institute also recommends a daily stress reducing conversation: 20 to 30 minutes at the end of the day to reunite and talk about whatever is on your mind outside the relationship.
Your childhood shaped your view of the world, but your relationship is not your parents' relationship. Make sure you are seeing your partner and your relationship for what they are, rather than through the dynamic you saw growing up. If you notice yourself expecting your partner to act the way a parent did, name it out loud. That one sentence can turn an old pattern into a shared conversation.
Few things squelch romance faster than holding a grudge. Make it a practice to forgive your partner. That does not mean ignoring issues that come up. It means talking them through, naming the feelings they stir up, agreeing on how to move forward, and then looking ahead instead of behind.
Mayo Clinic notes that letting go of grudges and bitterness may lead to healthier relationships, and that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. Forgiveness is for everyday hurts and honest mistakes; it is never a reason to accept abuse or fear in a relationship.
Knowing your partner is always in your corner, and knowing they can count on you, goes a long way toward keeping romance alive. Cheer each other on, celebrate small things, and go easy on mistakes.
How you respond to good news matters. The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley describes an "active constructive" response: give your full attention, ask questions, and make enthusiastic comments. In the research it summarizes, romantic partners who responded this way reported greater relationship well being and were less likely to break up in the next two months.
Busy lives push relationships to the bottom of the priority list. If you want your relationship to thrive, you have to move it back to the top and keep it there. Consistently block out time to spend with your partner.
Making time also means that, from time to time, your relationship needs to come before your kids. Parenting is demanding, and so is building and maintaining a good relationship. Do not let every interaction revolve around the children.
Date nights show your partner that they are still the person you would choose to spend your life with. Schedule outings for movies, dinner, concerts, or a sunset stroll, and leave the worries about work, kids, and bills at home. Try something new now and then. In research summarized by the Greater Good Science Center (Aron and colleagues, 2000), couples who did more exciting activities together felt less bored in their relationships and rated their relationships as higher quality than couples who did more mundane activities.
Sex does not equal intimacy. A satisfying sex life matters to many couples, but it is not the only way to be close. Small gestures such as a gentle touch, a deep conversation, or a kind act that shows your partner they still come first all build your bond. Mayo Clinic notes that sex is more than a physical act, and that intimacy also may include emotional, spiritual, physical and recreational needs.
Feeling heard and valued builds that connection too. Listen to one another and work together on anything you feel is coming between you. Commit to honest, mutually respectful talk, so your relationship is a safe haven where you both can express yourselves openly without fear of judgment. Mayo Clinic adds that communicating openly and honestly about sex can go a long way toward having a satisfying sex life. If pain, a medical condition, or a medication is affecting your sex life, start with your physician or healthcare professional.
It is easy to take your partner for granted and forget to say nice things. Make a conscious effort to compliment each other. Most people love to hear that they look great.
And while you are complimenting, say thank you. Appreciate the little things and the big things, whether it is bringing in the groceries, cooking dinner, or reading the kids a bedtime story. In a 2012 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who felt more appreciated by their partners were more appreciative in return, and more appreciative partners were more committed and more likely to remain in their relationships over time.
Warmth also cushions conflict. Longitudinal research by John Gottman and Robert Levenson, summarized by The Gottman Institute, found that in stable, happy marriages there are five or more positive interactions for every negative one during conflict.
Odds are humor is one of the things that drew you to your partner in the first place. The trouble is, the stress of life can rob you of the laughter you share. Steal it back. Watch a comedy, tell a joke, or revisit a story that always cracks you both up.
Shared laughter is a signal of a healthy bond. Describing a study of couples at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, psychologist Sara Algoe told UNC Endeavors that "the more people laughed with their romantic partner, the more they felt they were supported by that person."
If you and your partner still have trouble connecting after trying these tips, that is a signal, not a failure. Consider support if the distance keeps growing, if physical or emotional closeness has faded and neither of you knows how to talk about it, or if conversations about intimacy turn into the same argument. Intimacy therapy and counseling is talk therapy for couples who feel emotionally or physically disconnected; a counselor helps you understand what is getting in the way and rebuild closeness at a pace that works for both of you. If the struggle reaches beyond intimacy, couples counseling can help you see the pattern underneath conflict.
For more on keeping your connection strong, see our guides on how to reconnect with your partner after having kids and 6 tips for better communication with your partner, or browse our Relationships and Couples topic hub.
One important caveat: romance tips and couples counseling are not the right starting point when there is abuse, intimidation, or fear in a relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner. If that is your situation, your safety comes first. Call the Hotline at 1.800.799.7233, and if you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Foundations Counseling offers in person counseling in Fort Collins, Loveland, and Windsor, plus online sessions anywhere in Colorado, for couples and individuals. We will match you with a counselor who fits, and your first meeting is a free consultation. We are a private pay practice, and sessions are about 200 dollars. Same day and 48 hour appointments are often available, and our Counselor Match Guarantee helps you find the right fit.
Start small and stay consistent. Check in with each other every day, respond when your partner reaches for connection, protect regular time together, say thank you, and share affection that is not only about sex. Research from The Gottman Institute suggests small things done often make the biggest difference in relationships.
Yes, many couples notice the spark dimming as work, kids, and daily logistics crowd out time together. A quieter season does not mean the love is gone. It usually means the small, daily ways you show love have slipped, and those habits can be rebuilt with intention and practice.
There is no magic number. Consistency matters more than frequency, so choose a rhythm you can actually keep, whether weekly or twice a month. Try something new now and then: couples who did more exciting activities together felt less bored and rated their relationships as higher quality (Aron and colleagues, 2000).
Yes. Intimacy includes emotional, physical, and shared experiences, such as a gentle touch, a deep conversation, or laughing together. Mayo Clinic notes that intimacy also may include emotional, spiritual, physical and recreational needs. Talking openly about what each of you needs helps both kinds of closeness grow.
A daily check in, a sincere compliment, a thank you for ordinary help, celebrating each other's good news, and laughing together. In a 2012 study, more appreciative partners were more committed and more likely to remain in their relationships over time. Small gestures repeated often matter more than grand ones.
Consider intimacy counseling when distance keeps growing despite your efforts, when talking about closeness turns into the same argument, or when one of you feels unwanted for weeks. Couples counseling is not the right starting point when there is abuse, intimidation, or fear; call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233.
Clinically reviewed by Chris Berger, M.A., LPC, NCC. Updated October 2026.
Romance is a skill you can practice, and closeness can be rebuilt. Our caring counselors help couples across Northern Colorado reconnect emotionally and physically. We will match you with a counselor who fits, and your first meeting is a free consultation. Schedule your free consultation or call 970.227.2770.