If you are afraid of your partner or feel unsafe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 or text START to 88788. It is free, confidential, and available 24 hours a day. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which someone repeatedly makes you question your own memory, feelings, and sense of reality so they can gain power or control. Spot it by the pattern: denials of things you know happened, confident lies, blame turned back on you, and isolation from people who would back you up.
Key takeaways
Gaslighting is manipulation aimed at your grip on reality. Over time, the person doing it tries to replace your memory and judgment with theirs. It can build slowly through small, deniable moments, or show up as brazen, outright dishonesty.
The term comes from the title of a 1938 play and the film based on it, in which a husband dims the gas lights in the house and then insists his wife is imagining it. Merriam-Webster named gaslighting its 2022 Word of the Year after lookups rose 1740 percent, a sign of how many people are searching for words for this experience.
In public health terms, gaslighting fits what the CDC calls psychological aggression: the use of verbal and non verbal communication with the intent to harm a partner mentally or emotionally or to exert control over a partner. Gaslighting happens most visibly between romantic partners, but the same pattern can show up with a parent, a friend, or a boss.
Gaslighting is often subtle, so look at the pattern rather than any single moment. Be concerned if the person in your life repeatedly does the following:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline names several common gaslighting techniques. Here is what each can sound like in everyday conversation:
| Technique | What it can sound like |
|---|---|
| Withholding | "I don't want to hear this again." |
| Countering | "You're wrong, you never remember things correctly." |
| Blocking or diverting | "You're imagining things." |
| Trivializing | "You're too sensitive." |
| Forgetting or denial | "I don't know what you're talking about." |
Sometimes the clearest evidence is how you feel. The Hotline lists signs that often show up in people who are being gaslighted, including:
A simple check: write down what happened, when, and what was said, soon after it happens. If your notes keep contradicting what you are later told, trust the notes. Talking it through with someone outside the relationship can also help you see the pattern clearly.
Couples remember things differently all the time, and a heated argument where both people dig in is not automatically abuse. What sets gaslighting apart is the pattern and the purpose: it is repeated, it tends to flow in one direction, and it leaves one person steadily doubting their own mind while the other gains control. If you feel afraid, walk on eggshells, or have lost trust in your own perception, take that seriously.
When gaslighting is part of an abusive pattern, couples therapy is not the right starting point. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage couples counseling with an abusive partner, because abuse is not a relationship problem. Therapy cannot fix the power imbalance, and an abusive partner may use what is said in session against you later.
Couples therapy can be a good fit for ordinary conflict, where both partners feel safe, take responsibility, and want to change. If there is abuse, intimidation, or fear, start with individual support instead.
Recovering from gaslighting means learning to trust your own mind again. In individual abuse therapy, a counselor helps you name the manipulation, untangle guilt that was never yours, and rebuild self worth and boundaries. When the experience has left lasting fear, flashbacks, or hypervigilance, trauma therapy can help you process it safely. Feeling comfortable with your therapist matters, which is why every client is covered by our Counselor Match Guarantee.
Prefer to watch? This short video walks through the seven warning signs of gaslighting and what to do next.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which a partner repeatedly makes you question your memory, feelings, and sense of reality so they can gain power or control. Common tactics include denying things that happened, telling confident lies, calling you too sensitive, and isolating you from people who would support you.
Phrases the National Domestic Violence Hotline links to gaslighting include "You're too sensitive," "You're imagining things," "You never remember things correctly," and "I don't know what you're talking about." One phrase in one argument is not proof. A repeated pattern that leaves you doubting yourself is the warning sign.
Disagreements and different memories are normal in any relationship. Gaslighting is a repeated, one directional pattern meant to make you doubt your own mind while the other person gains control. If you often feel confused, apologize constantly, or feel afraid of your partner, talk with someone outside the relationship.
Not when gaslighting is part of abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage couples counseling with an abusive partner, because therapy cannot fix the power imbalance and what you share may be used against you. Start with individual therapy and, if you feel unsafe, a safety plan through the Hotline.
If you feel unsafe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 or text START to 88788, any time. For ongoing support, individual therapy can help you trust your own perceptions again, rebuild confidence, and plan next steps. If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988.
Clinically reviewed by Chris Berger, M.A., LPC, NCC. Updated September 2026.
Our caring therapists help people across Northern Colorado, in person in Fort Collins, Loveland, and Windsor, recover from manipulation and emotional abuse and trust themselves again. Your first consultation is free, sessions are private pay at about 200 dollars, and most new clients are seen within about 48 hours. Schedule your free consultation or call 970.227.2770.
If you feel unsafe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233. If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 any time, day or night.