Repairing hurt in a relationship starts with naming what happened, owning your part without excuses, and rebuilding trust through small, reliable actions over time. Happy couples still hurt each other; The Gottman Institute notes that they repair early and often. If there is abuse or fear in your relationship, safety comes first.
Key takeaways
If there is abuse, intimidation, or fear in your relationship, couples therapy is not the right place to start. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233. If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Most couples think of betrayal as an affair, but many ruptures are quieter. A partner who keeps breaking the same promise, makes a cruel comment in front of friends, hides a decision about money, or is absent during a medical scare or a loss can leave a wound that lingers long after the moment passes.
Couples researchers have a name for the deepest of these. In a 2001 paper in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Susan Johnson and colleagues wrote that "An attachment injury is characterized by an abandonment or by a betrayal of trust during a critical moment of need." The authors describe how an unresolved injury can keep coming back and block repair in couples therapy.
The size of the event matters less than what it meant. One partner may see a missed call as small. The other may hear, "When I needed you, you were not there." Repair starts when both of you can talk about that meaning.
Unrepaired hurts tend to pile up. Each one makes the next argument start from a lower place, and partners begin to expect the worst from each other. Writing for The Gottman Institute, John Grey describes the key difference this way: "The difference is that happy couples repair, and they do so early and often."
In other words, the couples who do well are not the ones who never hurt each other. They are the ones who notice the hurt, come back to it, and make it right before it hardens into resentment.
The Gottman Institute defines a repair attempt as any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that keeps negativity from escalating out of control. It can be a softer tone, a touch on the arm, a joke that breaks the tension, or simply saying, "Can we start over?"
Repair matters even more than avoiding conflict. Per the same Gottman Institute article, "a marriage can survive The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but only if partners learn to repair effectively." It also notes that the consistent failure of repair attempts is a sign of an unhappy future. For a closer look at the Four Horsemen, see our guide to the four markers of relationship failure or success.
Pick a calm time, not the moment the hurt happened. As one Gottman Institute article puts it, "Processing a fight means talking about what happened without jumping back into the argument." The Gottman Institute describes a five step process for the aftermath of a fight or regrettable incident:
Source: The Gottman Institute, the aftermath of a fight. If the conversation heats up, take a break and come back to it. Speaking from your own experience helps too; our guide on how to use "I" messages in communication shows how.
A real apology is short and specific. It names what happened, owns your part, and acknowledges how it landed for your partner. Explanations can come later, if they help at all. The Gottman Institute article on small hurts makes the same point: "Adding anything more, like an explanation, will dilute (if not delete) the power of your key reassurance."
The hurt partner does not owe instant forgiveness. Forgiveness usually follows evidence that the change is real.
Trust grows back the same way it grew in the first place: through small, repeated moments where a partner does what they said they would do. A grand gesture can open the door, but follow through is what keeps it open.
Rebuilding takes time, and setbacks are normal. Hurt often returns in waves, especially around reminders, and that is part of healing rather than a sign that repair has failed. Our guide on how to talk about relationship problems covers more of the everyday skills.
This guide covers relationship hurt in general. Infidelity brings its own kind of shock and usually needs a more structured process. If an affair, whether physical, emotional, or online, is why you are reading, see affair recovery therapy.
Couples therapy is not recommended while abuse is ongoing. The National Domestic Violence Hotline says, "We at The Hotline do not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner," because "Abuse is not a relationship problem."
Repair depends on both partners feeling safe enough to speak honestly. If there is abuse, intimidation, or fear in your relationship, call the Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 for confidential support. If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Individual counseling can be a safer place to start.
Sometimes a couple can do this work at home. Other times the same hurt comes up in every argument, or one partner keeps apologizing while the other cannot feel it. That is often the point where a counselor helps.
At Foundations, marriage counseling and couples counseling give both partners a steady place to slow the conversation down and be heard. Our counselors use approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which looks at the hurt and fear underneath the argument, and CBT informed communication skills. Sessions are in person in Fort Collins, Loveland, and Windsor, or online anywhere in Colorado. If one partner is not ready to come in, individual counseling is a good place to start.
And if your first counselor is not the right fit for both of you, our Counselor Match Guarantee means we will find another counselor who is.
Repairing hurt means coming back to a painful moment together, so each partner feels heard, the partner who caused the hurt owns their part, and both agree on what will change. It is less about one perfect apology and more about a reliable way back to each other after things go wrong.
The Gottman Institute defines a repair attempt as any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that keeps negativity from escalating out of control. A softer tone, a touch, a bit of humor, or asking to start over can all work. What matters most is that the other partner notices it and accepts it.
Attachment injury is a term couples researchers use for a hurt that happens when a partner feels abandoned or betrayed at a critical moment of need, such as being left alone during a crisis. It is not a formal diagnosis. Unresolved, it can keep resurfacing in arguments until the couple works through it together.
There is no set timeline. Trust usually returns gradually, through many small moments where a partner follows through on what they said. Setbacks and waves of hurt around reminders are a normal part of healing. A counselor can help if you feel stuck in the same place for months.
Many couples find their way back, and some say they understand each other better afterward. It usually takes both partners being willing to do the work: honest conversations, real ownership, and changed behavior over time. No one can promise an outcome, but a clear process gives you both a fair chance.
Couples therapy is not recommended while abuse is ongoing. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner. Call 1.800.799.7233 for confidential support, call or text 988 if you are thinking about suicide, and call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
Clinically reviewed by Chris Berger, M.A., LPC, NCC. Updated October 2026.
More for couples: browse our Relationships and Couples guides.
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If there is abuse in your relationship, call 1.800.799.7233. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.