Anger is a normal, usually healthy emotion. The trouble starts when it runs the show. To keep anger from turning you inside out, slow the moment down, take a timeout, say what you need once you are calm, look for solutions, and learn your triggers. If your anger is hurting or frightening the people around you, get help.
Key takeaways
- Anger is normal. The American Psychological Association calls it "a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion." It becomes a problem when it gets out of control and turns destructive.
- Holding anger in is not the answer either. The APA notes that anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
- Eight habits help most people: slow the moment down, take a timeout, speak up once you are calm, look for solutions, keep an anger log, see your anger through other people's eyes, channel the energy, and practice staying present.
- If anger has included threats, pushing, or hitting, anger management alone is not enough. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 or text START to 88788. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.
What Can Inside Out Teach Us About Anger?
Have you seen the movie Inside Out? If not, meet the character Anger. This kids' movie, which is just as appropriate for adults, illustrates the complexity of human emotions better than just about anything I have seen.
We might try to pretend we are rational, reasoned, and logical in all that we do. But if we are really being honest with ourselves, we know that just is not true. In the end, we are all emotional creatures. The psychologist Robert Plutchik boiled it all down to eight basic human emotions: fear, sadness, joy, disgust, trust, anticipation, surprise, and anger.
In my years of practice, I have found that the emotion that gives people the most trouble is anger. Anger scares people. It can feel bad, frightening, ugly, and even embarrassing. When we get angry, it can feel as though we are exposing the worst of ourselves. Many of us, and women in particular, grow up hearing that anger is not okay and should be swept away and ignored.
Is Anger a Healthy Emotion?
The truth is that anger is natural. The American Psychological Association calls it "a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion." Anger often shows up when we feel threatened, insulted, frustrated, or powerless. Expressed appropriately, it can protect you from dangerous situations, energize you to resolve problems, and lead you to make positive changes.
Pushing anger down does not make it go away. The APA notes that "anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression," and that expressing angry feelings assertively, not aggressively, is the healthiest way to express anger.
Anger can even help in short bursts. In a 2011 set of studies in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, anger led to more creative ideas at first, but creative performance declined over time more for angry people than for sad people. The energy is real, and it burns out fast. That is why learning how to express anger well is the key: anger can be destructive when it is not expressed appropriately.
What Happens in Your Body When You Get Angry?
Anger is part of your body's fight or flight response. When you get angry, the APA explains, "your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline." That surge is built to help you act fast. It is not built to help you choose your words carefully.
That is why so many anger tools start with a pause. A few slow breaths or a short walk gives your body a chance to settle, so you can respond instead of react.
8 Healthy Ways to Express and Manage Anger
These tips come from my work with clients, and they line up with guidance from the APA and Mayo Clinic.
1. Slow the moment down
When your temper starts to rise, focus on your breath. Breathe in slowly through your nose until your belly expands, then breathe out slowly through your mouth. Count to ten, or to 100 if you need to. Mayo Clinic's first tip is simple: "Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything." Relaxation skills such as deep breathing, imagining a relaxing scene, or repeating a calming word or phrase work best when you practice them before you need them.
2. Take a timeout
Sometimes the best move is to remove yourself from the situation before you say or do something you regret. Tell the other person you need a break and that you will come back to the conversation later. Then take a walk, listen to music, or do something else that helps you cool down. A timeout works when you come back to finish the conversation; it is a pause, not a way to avoid the issue.
3. Say what you need once you are calm
Anger, like any emotion, needs to be expressed. Once you can think clearly, Mayo Clinic suggests you "state your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them." Stick with "I" statements, such as "I felt dismissed when the plans changed," rather than blaming. People tend to meet anger with their own anger, so a calm voice keeps a disagreement from turning into a fight.
4. Look for solutions
From car trouble and tight deadlines to conflict with family, everyday life will hand you plenty of reasons to be angry. Getting upset will not fix them. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on what you can change. If your spouse is often late for dinner, for example, plan dinner for a time that fits their work schedule. Some things truly cannot be changed, and accepting that is part of the work too.
5. Keep an anger log
If you struggle with anger often, track it. Each time you feel impatient, frustrated, or enraged, write down what happened, how you reacted, and why it made you angry. Over a few weeks, patterns appear: the same people, the same times of day, the same thoughts. That record gives you a more detached, observer like view of your anger, and it can show you whether you might need help. Our guide to therapeutic journaling prompts can help you get started.
6. See your anger through other people's eyes
Anger can feel powerful, tough, and righteous in the moment. That is rarely how it looks to your children, friends, or partner. Picture your most recent blowup as if you were standing across the room. How did you sound? How did the people around you react? Seeing anger from the outside can show you how it lands on others, leaving them hurt, scared, or frustrated enough to meet it with anger of their own.
7. Channel the energy
Anger energizes the body, and that energy can go somewhere useful. Mayo Clinic notes that "physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry." A brisk walk, a run, or a hard workout can take the edge off. So can putting the energy into a task, whether that is cleaning the garage or volunteering for a cause you care about.
8. Practice staying present
Like every emotion, anger is temporary. To keep it going, we usually have to feed it by replaying whatever made us mad. Mindfulness, the practice of bringing your attention back to the present moment, can interrupt that loop. In a 2018 randomized trial with law enforcement officers, eight weeks of mindfulness based resilience training led to greater reductions in self reported aggression, organizational stress, and burnout than in a comparison group, though the differences were not maintained three months later. Like any skill, it works best with regular practice.
What Does Anger Management Counseling Look Like?
Take, for example, a client I worked with a few years back. When "Stan" (not his real name) came to my office for his first session, I could feel the anger pouring off him like cold winter air when a door has been opened. His jaw was clenched, his fists were tight, and his answers were short and clipped. His wife had made the appointment, insisting that he needed to talk to someone about how angry and unhappy he was.
He did not see it that way at first. As he told me about his day, his work, and his family, we uncovered a long list of things that fired him up: a colleague who was late to meetings, someone parking in his spot, coworkers leaving him the lion's share of the work, teenagers who would not listen, and a to do list at home that kept getting longer. Once, he erupted at a colleague in front of his entire staff.
Some of those things were worthy of frustration, maybe even legitimate anger. Most were what I call irritants: frustrations that boil up and then go away. The problem was that Stan treated them all as equal. A garage door left open hit him as hard as a substandard work project, and a light left on in the basement felt the same as someone rear ending his new car. Learning to spot that kind of all or nothing thinking is part of the work, and our guide to seeing your cognitive distortions and learning to change them explains more.
Our sessions did not revolve around telling him that he should not be angry. We focused on tools he could reach for in the lighting the match moment: stepping away for two minutes, walking away, breathing exercises, and more effective language to express himself. After six or seven sessions, Stan was better able to recalibrate his emotional furnace. Things still got under his skin, but he had learned to change his responses. Every person's pace is different; the APA notes that with counseling, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks.
At Foundations, anger management counseling is one on one talk therapy built around your situation. Counselors often draw on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help you notice the thoughts that turn frustration into rage and practice calmer responses.
When Is Anger a Sign You Need Help?
If minor irritations send you over the top, or you feel that you are always in a bad mood and everything sets you off, consider counseling. Mayo Clinic suggests getting help "if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you." Other signs include:
- Yelling, screaming, or cursing at people you care about
- Breaking things or slamming doors
- Road rage
- Blaming others for making you angry
- Trouble at work or school because of your temper
- People at home walking on eggshells around you
- Staying irritated, or replaying arguments for hours or days
Anger can also sit on top of something else, such as chronic stress or low mood, and working on the anger alone can miss it. If you have also been feeling down or hopeless, talk with a counselor or your health care provider; depression counseling may be part of the picture.
What If Someone's Anger Frightens You?
Anger and abuse are not the same thing. If anger has included threats, pushing, hitting, or controlling behavior, or if a partner or family member is afraid, anger management counseling on its own is not enough. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not recommend anger management or couples counseling for changing abusive patterns; it points to a certified batterer intervention program, which counseling can supplement. Couples counseling is not the right place to start when there is abuse, intimidation, or fear in a relationship.
If you are living with someone whose anger frightens you, your safety comes first. Call the Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 or text START to 88788; it is free, confidential, and available 24/7. If you are worried that you are hurting your partner, the Hotline's advocates will talk with you confidentially too.
If you are thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time, day or night. If you feel you might hurt someone else, or anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.
If someone you love has a short fuse but you feel safe with them, you can encourage them to talk with an anger management counselor, who can help them understand what drives their anger and handle it in healthier ways.
Where Can You Find Anger Management Counseling in Northern Colorado?
Foundations Counseling offers in person counseling in Fort Collins, Loveland, and Windsor, plus online sessions anywhere in Colorado. We will match you with a counselor who fits, and your first meeting with that counselor is a free consultation. We are a private pay practice, and sessions are about 200 dollars. Most new clients can have a first appointment within about 48 hours, and our Counselor Match Guarantee helps you find the right fit.
Explore more articles on mood, stress, and emotional health in our Depression and Mood topic hub.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is anger a healthy emotion?
Yes, anger itself is normal. The American Psychological Association calls anger "a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion." It becomes a problem when it gets out of control and turns destructive. Expressed assertively, not aggressively, anger can help you stand up for yourself, solve problems, and make changes that matter.
How do you calm down quickly when you are angry?
Slow the moment down. Breathe slowly from your belly, count to ten, and take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything. If you are still heated, take a timeout: tell the other person you need a break, step away, and come back to the conversation once you are calm.
What is a healthy way to express anger?
Wait until you are calm, then say what you need clearly and directly, without blaming, yelling, or trying to control the other person. "I" statements help, such as "I felt dismissed when the plans changed." Focus on solving the problem rather than winning the argument, and let go of the grudge once it is resolved.
When should you get help for anger?
Mayo Clinic suggests seeking help if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret, or hurts those around you. Other signs include yelling, breaking things, road rage, trouble at work, or people at home walking on eggshells. Anger management counseling can help you learn your triggers and respond differently.
Can anger management fix an abusive relationship?
Not on its own. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not recommend anger management or couples counseling for changing abusive patterns, and points to a certified batterer intervention program instead. If you are afraid of someone, or worried you are hurting your partner, call the Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 or text START to 88788. In immediate danger, call 911.
How long does anger management counseling take?
It depends on what is driving the anger and what you want to change. The American Psychological Association notes that with counseling, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks. Many people meet weekly at first, then space sessions out as new habits hold.
Clinically reviewed by Chris Berger, M.A., LPC, NCC. Updated October 2026.
Ready to Cool the Fire?
Anger that is out of control can strain your relationships, your work, your health, and your enjoyment of life. It does not have to stay that way. Our caring counselors help people across Northern Colorado understand what drives their anger and build calmer ways to respond. We will match you with a counselor who fits, and your first meeting is a free consultation. Schedule your free consultation or call 970.227.2770.
