To survive Thanksgiving when you are not feeling thankful, lower the bar: plan for the hard parts, set a few clear boundaries, make room for grief or loneliness, and let gratitude be small instead of forced. Holiday stress is common, and if it lingers or feels heavy, talking with a counselor can help.
Key takeaways
- Feeling worse at the holidays is common. In a small NAMI survey of people with a diagnosed mental illness, about 24 percent said the holidays make their condition a lot worse and 40 percent said somewhat worse.
- Gratitude is a practice, not a test you have to pass on one Thursday in November.
- A boundary plan made before the gathering is easier to keep than one invented in the middle of an argument.
- Holidays can spark grief, even years after a loss. Expect it and plan for it.
- The idea that suicides spike at the holidays is a myth, but holiday pain is real. Call or text 988 any time you need support.
Why Can Thanksgiving Feel So Hard?
Despite its name, Thanksgiving can leave many people feeling anything but thankful. One day carries a lot: travel, cooking, money, old family roles, the empty chair at the table, and the unspoken expectation that everyone should feel close and happy. If you are already living with stress, depression, or anxiety, that pressure can land hard.
You are not alone in this. In a small survey by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) in 2014, about 24 percent of people with a diagnosed mental illness said the holidays make their condition a lot worse, and 40 percent said somewhat worse. NAMI describes how high expectations, loneliness, and stress can lead to the holiday blues during the season from Thanksgiving to New Year's.
It is important to remember that you are not weird or selfish for feeling ungrateful during the holiday season. Struggling at Thanksgiving is a signal about what you are carrying, not a verdict on your character.
What If You Are Not Feeling Thankful This Year?
Gratitude pressure is real. When everyone around the table is asked to name what they are thankful for, it can feel like a test you are failing, especially after a hard year, a breakup, a job loss, or a diagnosis.
Gratitude does matter. According to Mayo Clinic Health System, studies have shown that feeling thankful can improve sleep, mood, and immunity. But gratitude grows from small, repeated moments, not from forcing a feeling on demand. A few ways to keep it honest:
- Go small. You do not need to feel thankful for your whole life. Notice one thing: the smell of the food, a warm coat, a friend's text.
- Write it down later. Mayo Clinic Health System suggests thinking back on your day and writing down the things that went right. That evening list can be two lines long.
- Thank one person. A short text or note to someone you appreciate counts, and it does not have to happen at the table.
- Let both be true. You can be grateful for one thing and still be sad, angry, or worn out. Mixed feelings are not a failure of gratitude.
How Do You Handle Family Conflict at Thanksgiving?
Family relationships are complicated, and holidays tend to pull everyone back into old roles. You cannot control how relatives act, but you can decide in advance how you will respond. Our guide to setting and maintaining boundaries goes deeper; here is a holiday version:
- Pick your limits before you arrive. Decide how long you will stay, which topics you will not discuss, and what you will say if they come up.
- Keep your words short. "I am not going to talk about that today" is a complete answer. You do not owe a debate.
- Plan your pauses. Offer to take a walk, wash dishes, or step outside when the room heats up.
- Have an exit plan. Drive yourself, or agree on a leave time with a partner or friend, so leaving early is a choice and not a scene.
- Debrief afterward. Call someone you trust or write down what happened, so the day does not keep replaying in your head.
If the same conflicts repeat every year, family counseling can give everyone a structured place to work on patterns that a single holiday dinner never will.
If a family member's behavior makes you feel afraid, threatened, or intimidated, your safety comes first. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 or text START to 88788, free and confidential, 24 hours a day. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
A Note on Alcohol and Hard Conversations
If drinking tends to raise the volume in your family, plan for it. Decide ahead of time what you will drink, if anything, and give yourself permission to leave when conversations start to escalate. You can also choose to have sensitive conversations on another day, one on one, instead of over a holiday table.
How Do You Get Through Thanksgiving While Grieving?
The first holiday after a death, a divorce, or an estrangement can feel unbearable, and later holidays can surprise you too. Mayo Clinic notes that holidays, birthdays, and other events can spark grief, even years after a loss, and recommends recognizing these triggers and preparing to handle the grief as needed.
- Give yourself permission to feel. You do not have to perform cheerfulness for anyone.
- Name the loss out loud. Share a story, set out a photo, or cook their dish. Many families find that honoring the person eases the tension of pretending.
- Change the plan if you need to. A smaller gathering, a different location, or a shorter visit is allowed.
- Talk to someone. A friend, a faith community, or a grief counselor can help you carry what feels too heavy to carry alone.
What If You Are Spending Thanksgiving Alone?
Some people are alone by choice and are at peace with it. Others are alone because of distance, loss, conflict, or circumstance, and the quiet can feel loud. Connection is protective: the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) notes that social connection can help reduce the risk of depression and anxiety and supports our ability to manage stress.
Connection does not have to mean a big dinner. Call one person. Volunteer for a few hours. Join a friend's gathering for dessert only. Go for a walk where other people are out. Our post on ways to get help when you feel alone has more ideas.
You may have heard that suicides spike during the holidays. That is a myth. The Annenberg Public Policy Center, analyzing provisional CDC data, reports that December had the lowest average daily suicide rate in 2023. Low rates do not make anyone's pain less real. If you are struggling, lonely, or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It is free, confidential, and available 24 hours a day, and it is also there if you just need someone to talk to.
5 Ways to Get Through the Day
- Lower your expectations. When the bar is set too high, holidays tend to disappoint. Do not expect to get along with every relative or enjoy every conversation. Aim for a few good moments, not a perfect day.
- Stay in the moment. When your mind races to the past or the future, use your senses as an anchor. Smell and taste your food instead of rushing through it. Listen closely in conversation instead of waiting for your turn to talk.
- Reassess your priorities. Thanksgiving can spotlight everything that is not going right. Bring your attention back to what truly matters to you, whether that is your health, your kids, a friend, or a hobby that steadies you.
- Do not fake it all day. A brave face for an hour is fine. Hiding how you feel for weeks is not. Let at least one person know how you are really doing.
- Do not go it alone. If depression, anxiety, or dread has you bracing for the holiday season, reach out for support before the day arrives, not only after.
When Is Holiday Stress a Sign to Talk to a Counselor?
Holiday stress usually eases once the season passes. Consider talking with a therapist if the heaviness lingers into the new year, if you dread family events for weeks ahead, or if stress, grief, or loneliness is affecting your sleep, work, or relationships. In individual counseling, you and your therapist can look for strategies that fit your family, your losses, and your season of life.
Foundations Counseling offers in person counseling in Fort Collins, Loveland, and Windsor, plus online sessions. We are a private pay practice: sessions are about 200 dollars, and we can provide documentation for out of network reimbursement on request. Our Counselor Match Guarantee means you can keep looking until the fit feels right.
Watch: surviving Thanksgiving when you are not feeling thankful
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Frequently Asked Questions
Why do the holidays make depression or anxiety feel worse?
Thanksgiving stacks expectations, family dynamics, travel, money, and memories into one day. In a small NAMI survey of people with a diagnosed mental illness, about 24 percent said the holidays make their condition a lot worse and 40 percent said somewhat worse. Feeling worse at the holidays is common, not a personal failure.
Is it okay not to feel thankful on Thanksgiving?
Yes. Gratitude is a practice, not a test you pass on one day. You can be grieving, lonely, or stressed and still notice one small good thing, or simply get through the day. Mayo Clinic Health System suggests building gratitude gradually, such as writing down the things that went right each day.
How do I set boundaries with family at Thanksgiving?
Decide before you arrive what you will and will not discuss, how long you will stay, and how you will leave if things get heated. Say it calmly and briefly, then follow through. If a family member's behavior makes you feel afraid or intimidated, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233.
How can I cope with grief during Thanksgiving?
Expect the day to stir grief, even years after a loss; Mayo Clinic notes that holidays can spark recurring grief. Plan ahead, give yourself permission to feel, and consider a small ritual to honor the person, like sharing a story or setting out a photo. A grief counselor can help when it stays heavy.
Do suicides increase during the holidays?
No. That is a persistent myth. The Annenberg Public Policy Center, analyzing provisional CDC data, reports that December had the lowest average daily suicide rate in 2023. Low rates do not make anyone's pain less real. If you are struggling or thinking about suicide, call or text 988, any time.
When should I see a counselor for holiday stress?
Reach out if the heaviness lingers after the holidays, if you dread family events for weeks ahead, or if stress, grief, or loneliness is affecting your sleep, work, or relationships. Foundations offers in person sessions in Fort Collins, Loveland, and Windsor, plus online. We will match you with a counselor who fits, and your first meeting is a free consultation.
Clinically reviewed by Chris Berger, M.A., LPC, NCC.
You do not have to white knuckle your way through the holidays. Our caring therapists help people across Northern Colorado manage holiday stress, family conflict, grief, and loneliness with practical talk therapy. We will match you with a counselor who fits, and your first meeting is a free consultation. Schedule your free consultation or call 970.227.2770.
If you are struggling or having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 any time, day or night, to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
