The Gottman Method is a structured approach to couples therapy developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. It starts with a thorough assessment of your relationship, then uses research based tools to calm conflict, rebuild friendship, and deepen trust. Couples therapy is not recommended while abuse is ongoing, so safety comes first.
Key takeaways
- The Gottman Institute describes the Gottman Method as couples therapy that begins with a thorough check up of the relationship and uses research based interventions built on the Sound Relationship House.
- Gottman research names four conflict patterns, the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), and an antidote for each one.
- Small clinical trials report benefits, but the evidence base for the therapy itself is still growing.
- No Foundations counselor currently lists Gottman Method training or certification. Our couples counseling is informed by research based approaches, including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
If there is abuse, intimidation, or fear in your relationship, couples therapy is not the right place to start. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233. If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
What is the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method is a named approach to couples therapy from The Gottman Institute, founded on the work of psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman. In the Institute's words, the Gottman Method "is an approach to couples therapy that includes a thorough check up of the couple's relationship, and integrates research-based interventions based on the Sound Relationship House Theory."
The Institute lists four goals for the therapy: to disarm conflicting verbal communication; to increase intimacy, respect, and affection; to remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy; and to create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding in the relationship.
What is the Sound Relationship House?
The Sound Relationship House is the Gottmans' model of what healthy relationships are built on. It has nine components:
- Build love maps: know your partner's inner world.
- Share fondness and admiration.
- Turn towards instead of away when your partner reaches for connection.
- The positive perspective.
- Manage conflict.
- Make life dreams come true.
- Create shared meaning.
- Trust.
- Commitment.
Therapy usually works on the weakest floors of the house first. A couple with plenty of friendship but painful fights may focus on conflict, while a couple who rarely fights but feels distant may focus on love maps and turning towards each other.
What are the Four Horsemen, and what are their antidotes?
The Four Horsemen are communication styles that, according to Gottman research, can predict the end of a relationship. The Institute calls contempt "the single greatest predictor of divorce." The good news is that each one has a practical antidote.
| Horseman | What it looks like | Antidote |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism | An attack on your partner's character, not a complaint about a behavior | Complain without blame, using a gentle start up |
| Contempt | Disrespect, sarcasm, mocking, or name calling | Build a culture of appreciation and respect |
| Defensiveness | Making excuses or playing the innocent victim | Accept responsibility, even for part of the conflict |
| Stonewalling | Shutting down and withdrawing from the conversation | Take a break and practice physiological self soothing |
For a closer look at each pattern, read our guide to the four markers of relationship failure or success.
What does Gottman Method couples therapy look like?
Per The Gottman Institute, therapy begins with an assessment. "A conjoint session, followed by individual interviews with each partner are conducted." Couples then complete questionnaires and receive detailed feedback on their relationship. That feedback shapes the plan for the sessions that follow.
From there, the work is practical. Couples practice softer ways to raise a complaint, learn to repair a conversation before it escalates, and build small daily habits of connection. Two Gottman findings often frame the work:
- The 5 to 1 ratio. Per The Gottman Institute, a stable and happy marriage has five or more positive interactions for every negative interaction during conflict.
- Perpetual problems. Gottman says that 69 percent of marital conflicts are perpetual problems. The goal is not to solve every disagreement, but to talk about the lasting ones without hurting each other.
If you want a place to start at home, our guide on how to talk about relationship problems covers the basics.
Is the Gottman Method evidence based?
The Gottman Institute describes the method as backed by five decades of research. Most of that research studied how couples interact and which patterns predict trouble. Research on the therapy itself is newer and smaller:
- A 2018 study in the Iranian Journal of Psychiatry randomly assigned couples to ten 45 minute sessions of Gottman couple therapy or a control group. The authors concluded that the "Gottman method can be used as an effective treatment to improve marital relationships, adjustment, and intimacy."
- A 2023 pilot trial in The Family Journal randomized 49 couples dealing with infidelity to Gottman Method Couples Therapy or treatment as usual. Nineteen couples completed every assessment, and the Gottman group showed greater gains in affair recovery. John and Julie Gottman are among the study's authors.
The honest summary: the findings are encouraging, the samples are small, and no single approach fits every couple. The fit between both partners and the counselor matters too.
How does the Gottman Method compare with EFT?
Both are research informed approaches to couples therapy, and they often share the same goal: fewer painful fights and a closer bond.
- Gottman Method: builds on research about friendship, conflict, and shared meaning, and teaches concrete skills such as the antidotes to the Four Horsemen.
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): looks underneath the argument to the attachment needs driving it, such as feeling unimportant or shut out, and helps partners respond to those needs.
Many couples benefit from elements of both: understanding the emotional cycle underneath a fight, and practicing new ways to talk when it starts.
When is couples therapy not the right place to start?
Couples therapy is not recommended while abuse is ongoing. The National Domestic Violence Hotline says, "We at The Hotline do not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner," because "Abuse is not a relationship problem." The Hotline also warns that an abuser may use what is said in therapy against their partner.
If there is abuse, intimidation, or fear in your relationship, call the Hotline at 1.800.799.7233 for confidential support. If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Individual counseling can be a safer place to start.
Does Foundations offer the Gottman Method?
We want to be plain about this. No Foundations counselor currently lists Gottman Method training or certification in their published profile, so we do not offer Gottman Method Couples Therapy by name.
What we do offer is couples counseling informed by research based approaches. Our counselors use approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and CBT informed communication skills, and draw on findings from The Gottman Institute, such as the Four Horsemen. If an affair is why you are reaching out, see affair recovery therapy. Sessions are in person in Fort Collins, Loveland, and Windsor, or online anywhere in Colorado. If one partner is not ready to come in, individual counseling is a good place to start.
If Gottman Method training matters to you, ask any therapist you consider about their specific training. And if your first counselor is not the right fit, our Counselor Match Guarantee means we will find another counselor who is. For couples whose connection changed after children, see how to reconnect with your partner after having kids.
Frequently asked questions
What is the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method is an approach to couples therapy developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute. It starts with a thorough assessment of the relationship, then uses research based interventions built on the Sound Relationship House, nine components of healthy relationships, to calm conflict and deepen friendship, intimacy, and trust.
What happens in the first Gottman Method sessions?
According to The Gottman Institute, therapy begins with an assessment: a joint session with both partners, then an individual interview with each partner. Couples also complete questionnaires and receive detailed feedback on their relationship. That feedback shapes the goals and the interventions used in later sessions.
Is the Gottman Method evidence based?
It rests on decades of Gottman research into how couples interact, and small clinical trials have reported benefits, including a 2018 study on marital adjustment and intimacy and a 2023 pilot trial with couples recovering from infidelity. Those studies are small, and the Gottmans are among the authors of the 2023 trial, so more independent research would help.
What is the difference between the Gottman Method and EFT?
Both are research informed approaches to couples therapy. The Gottman Method builds on research about friendship, conflict, and shared meaning, and teaches concrete skills such as the antidotes to the Four Horsemen. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) looks underneath the argument to the attachment needs driving it, such as feeling unimportant or shut out.
Are Foundations counselors trained in the Gottman Method?
No Foundations counselor currently lists Gottman Method training or certification in their published profile, so we do not offer Gottman Method Couples Therapy by name. Our couples counseling is informed by research based approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and CBT informed communication skills, and draws on Gottman Institute research.
Should we try couples therapy if there is abuse in our relationship?
Couples therapy is not recommended while abuse is ongoing. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner. Call 1.800.799.7233 for confidential support, call or text 988 if you are thinking about suicide, and call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
Clinically reviewed by Chris Berger, M.A., LPC, NCC. Updated October 2026.
More for couples: browse our Relationships and Couples guides.
Ready to work on your relationship?
We will match you with a counselor who fits, and your first meeting is a free consultation. Schedule your free consultation or call 970.227.2770.
If there is abuse in your relationship, call 1.800.799.7233. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 any time. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.